So whoever is reading this, yes I am aware that you may not like this. I have some questions, who doesn’t? I still believe in Jesus and do my best to trust him and live for him daily however after being challenged the other day I felt it was necessary to write this. Whoever you are reading this I hope you will gain an understanding as to why I believe and what it is that I am currently questioning. I have not written this to start a debate as my bible knowledge is virtually non-existent but to simply express my views. I have realised recently that I am the most honest with myself when I write and so this is my way of being honest with both you, and myself.
I was brought up believing-This is probably first and foremost the reason as to why I believe in Christianity. As a child I never knew any different and it wasn’t really until about a year ago or so that I started to question it. Well, not so much question it but more so some of the things in the bible. I struggled with what was relevant to ME. Depending on what version you read, some of it just makes you think that it only applies to those whom are a lot older than yourself. I never really had questions growing up, I was one of the children in school where whenever the word ‘evolution’ came up I switched off and just left it as that. It was almost like a chore to go to church every Sunday, I was one of those children that was sat there in the service colouring in because I didn’t understand what was being said, even as I got older that was the case. I wasn’t really going for me until I got into my teens. I got attracted to it more by the lively worship and this in turn meant that I started listening despite the fact that my attention span can be quite thin at times! I guess you could say that I became a Christian gradually but then there was a point when it did hit me and I truly gave my life to Christ.
He saved me-That’s it. I believe that he died to save me from every single sin that I do. It says in the bible that the wages of sin is death and so I am eternally grateful that he paid that price so that I don’t have too.
Fear-This is perhaps the main one that I have been struggling with the past few weeks. I haven’t really mentioned this to more than a couple of people, one of whom has assured me that as a Christian I do not need to fear death, if anything I should be excited for it! But then bears the issue of why me? Why should I go to heaven? Am I even going to get there? How do you know? Those are the sorts of questions that run through my head sometimes and that can drive me crazy if I don’t ask a Christian friend for help! The stuff that is meant to happen in the ‘end times’, I don’t want to live through that! It’s going to happen! The technology stuff, it’s starting to happen! I have yet to study revelation; it’s the book I’ve been putting off because it scares me if I am completely honest about it. There is not much more to say to that. The unknown scares me generally, just not knowing what is going to happen and knowing that I can’t do anything about it. God determines my future and although right now for example I know I am going to university in September he may decide to put something in the way that means I don’t go to uni. Who’s to say that won’t happen? Not being in control of my future scares me. Trusting him is difficult but yet I know in the back of my mind it is worth it.
His love and his peace-He loves me. He loves me more than anyone could ever love me and more than I could ever love someone else. Trying to grasp that in itself is a challenge sometimes but it is so nice. I always see God as my Dad, it’s what he is to me! He’s always got my back even when times are tough and whether its through the bible or whether it’s him talking through someone else to me, he always is able to reassure me and bring me that peace that only he can bring. A few weeks back I was on the phone to someone and before-hand I had felt God just leading me to worship him a bit and read my bible, he talked to me through that then whilst on the phone to someone they mentioned that I sounded really chilled. I didn’t realise. That was God’s peace in me at that time because the way I was feeling before-hand, it certainly wasn’t me!
Where I am now-Right now I am at a place where I do believe and I do trust him as difficult as that it is at times and I am learning to be more patient generally. God has brought me through a lot, some of which would mean that I would not be here right now if it was not for him. How can I not love someone who has brought me through so much? I am also at a place where I have a lot of questions, some of which I do forget to write down but I am learning, I am growing. What’s the point in having questions if you’re not going to get answers? Even if they are answers you do not want to hear? I have grown up not questioning Christianity much and so this is where I am at right now. However I am surrounded by individuals whom I can talk to when I have questions (or when I remember them!) which is definitely helping. I am also in a place where I can try and answer other people’s questions and so learning more for myself as well which is helping me although it does mean that sometimes I end up asking the same questions which to me is not a bad thing!
And to those who think that Christians are perfect. We’re really not! We struggle with the same things you do but we have God’s strength on our side as well as our own! Also to those whom are surprised that I have questions, didn’t you when you were younger or when you came to know Christ? I’ve grown up not asking questions, this is my time.
So there you have it. That is me.